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For years you've been watching your tongue so that what you say doesn't end up here. Now, you'll have to watch how you look. You never know who has a camera.

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which, as a bonus, gave me a great tingling sensation

2 [+ / -]     Feb 08, 2010

  • Fratty 1: You all seriously don't know how gross they were!
  • Fratty 2: That's disgusting.
  • Fratty 1: I mean, I went home and put hand sanitizer on my dick!

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the customer is always right

-4 [+ / -]     Feb 08, 2010

  • Employee: What else?
  • Customer 1: Ol' and viniker.
  • Employee: Oil and vinegar?
  • Customer 2: Haha! Oil? It Ol'!

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everyone is finding new ways to save in this tough economy

13 [+ / -]     Feb 05, 2010

  • Fratty: This jacket is $120 new, but I got it for free.
  • Sorostitute: Really? How?
  • Fratty: I found it on the ground. It was all wet and kinda dirty, and it had some throw up on it, but I washed it. I mean, it was my size, so I wasn't gonna just leave it there.
  • Sorostitute: Well, I guess if you washed it, it's okay.

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there's a second time for everything

22 [+ / -]     Feb 04, 2010

  • Guy: Man, that river is going to get just as high as it was the last time it was this high.

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when i think about you i $touch myself

11 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2010

  • Professor: So, can someone tell me what the command prompt 'finger' means in UNIX?
  • (pause, followed by student laughter)
  • Professor: Come on people, not inappropriately. Maturity.

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i want to punch that paper clip almost as much as dwight

19 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2010

  • Girl: You're a fan of The Office? That's so cool!
  • Confused Professor: You mean Microsoft Office?

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a few small steps for man

-7 [+ / -]     Feb 01, 2010

  • Girl 1: I ran six miles last week.
  • Girl 2: Really? On what?
  • Girl 1: On the elliptical.
  • Girl 2: What level?
  • Girl 1: Well, I was on level one, but did you know they have a level zero?

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and they probably weren't at 100% to begin with

35 [+ / -]     Feb 01, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: Did you know that after a night of binge drinking your brain doesn't fully function for like 40 days?
  • Sorostitute 2: Oh my god, that means our brains will like, never fully function!
  • (Both laugh in unison)

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i can't wait to get old

13 [+ / -]     Jan 30, 2010

  • Teacher: There is a higher rate of STDs in retirement communities. The average ratio of women to men is 7 to 1. I mean, come on, are you going to care if you wear a condom when you're 70?

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either that or a complimentary tramp stamp

21 [+ / -]     Jan 29, 2010

  • Girl 1: So, weird dream last night. Her boyfriend was checking me out, we got really trashed and had sex.
  • Girl 2: That wasn't a dream. Expect a round of applause next time you go to that tattoo parlor.

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and now, the main event

11 [+ / -]     Jan 28, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: It's always good to have a friend crazier than you. It's like insurance!
  • Sorostitute 2: Huh? How?
  • Sorostitute 1: You're never the shittiest shitshow. You're always second shitshow.

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what an asshole

78 [+ / -]     Jan 26, 2010

  • Girl: Please?
  • Guy: No.
  • Girl: Please?
  • Guy: No.
  • Girl: What if...
  • Guy: No, dammit, no!
  • Girl: You are the worst boyfriend ever. You watch chick flicks and take me out to dinner, but the minute I want to try anal...
  • Guy: For God's sake, shut up!

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sure, depending on the industry

22 [+ / -]     Jan 25, 2010

  • Girl: So, can you use the word "semen" in a resume?

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however, neither one is available after 2:00am

5 [+ / -]     Jan 22, 2010

  • Girl 1: What bus are you taking to get to your next class?
  • Girl 2: Oasis!
  • (pause)
  • Girl 1: You mean Orbit?

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going down?

-26 [+ / -]     Jan 21, 2010

  • (In the SLC elevator)
  • (Fratty 1 hiccups)
  • (pause)
  • Fratty 2: Dude, that's so gay.

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