Brand New:
Overseen in Athens



For years you've been watching your tongue so that what you say doesn't end up here. Now, you'll have to watch how you look. You never know who has a camera.

Here's the link
 

Quotes from "Downtown"


spreading the love

24 [+ / -]     May 05, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: Ohmigod! I had the best sex ever last night! The guy's penis had pleasure bumps!
  • Sorostitute 2: Do you mean he wore a ribbed condom?
  • Sorostitute 1: No it was all him.
  • Sorostitute 2: You have to introduce me to him!

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beats finding out you're married

-6 [+ / -]     Mar 23, 2010

  • Fratty: I remember having a few Jack and Cokes that night, and then when I woke up the next morning I found out I was single.

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26 uga students charged with the munchies: film at 11

31 [+ / -]     Jan 15, 2010

  • Guy 1: I saw a checkpoint outside of Snelling last night at 3am!
  • Guy 2: Isn't that cheating?

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they'll screw you more, too

148 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2009

  • Drunk Guy: Fucking Charter calls me more than my girlfriend.

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maybe the drunk brad is the real brad

67 [+ / -]     Aug 03, 2009

  • Girl: Brad, I just want you to know that I really care about you. It just worries me when you drink like this. It's like you change into another person when you're drunk and I know that's not the real you. I love you. I just want to see you make the right decisions.
  • (silence)
  • Girl: Are you even listening?
  • (Brad starts snoring)

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that's how you know you're in georgia

-48 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

  • (A girl is giving another girl a piggyback ride)
  • Guy: Ew, look at those lesbians.
  • Girl: Yeah, and we're sisters, too.
  • Guy: Kinky.

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which, as it turns out, can lead to quite a career

-34 [+ / -]     Jun 08, 2009

  • Girl: So I went to the career fair the other day, but all I got was horniness.

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...but here's some consolation beads

219 [+ / -]     May 24, 2009

  • Taxi Driver: It's gonna be six dollars.
  • Sorostitute: (flashes driver) How about now?
  • Taxi Driver: Well, now it's gonna be twelve dollars.
  • Sorostitute: You're so mean.

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they're easier to catch that way

63 [+ / -]     May 06, 2009

  • (Two guys watch an attractive woman with a limp walk by)
  • Guy 1: Aw, she has a limp.
  • Guy 2: I like that in a girl.

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but apparently not the best answer

135 [+ / -]     Feb 24, 2009

  • (Girl in a five-person car with six people is being pulled over)
  • Cop: May I see your license, please?
  • (Girl hands over her license)
  • Cop: This isn't your fake, is it?
  • Girl: (frightened, pulling back license) Oh, no, this is mine.
  • Cop: Do you have your fake with you?
  • Girl: Um, I don't have a fake.
  • Cop: Good answer. Can you step out of the car, please?

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...or start betting the other way

100 [+ / -]     Jan 23, 2009

  • Girl 1: I am not going home with him, I will bet you ten dollars.
  • Girl 2: Okay!
  • (She comes back five minutes later and hands both of them a ten dollar bill)
  • Girl 1: I'll call you in the morning to let you know I'm still alive!
  • Girl 2: (to Girl 3) She should just stop betting us.

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admitting you have a problem is the first step

233 [+ / -]     Jan 09, 2009

  • Sorostitute: What made you think my boyfriend wanted to make out with you?
  • Gay Guy: His erection.

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so much for trying the spaghetti noodle kiss thing

5 [+ / -]     Dec 25, 2008

  • (Two guys are sitting across from each other at a restaurant)
  • Guy 1: Man, you fucking smell funny.
  • Guy 2: Yeah, I don't really see the point of showering in the winter.

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sure, if you're a nazi

-78 [+ / -]     Dec 08, 2008

  • Girl 1: Let's go see a movie!
  • Girl 2: I really want to see The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.
  • Girl 1: Oh okay! Is it a comedy?

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but some are more obvious than others

102 [+ / -]     Dec 04, 2008

  • White girl: Everyone has their little weird body thing... hairy feet, webbed toes...
  • Black guy: ...being black.

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a walk to remember

117 [+ / -]     Oct 07, 2008

  • (Homeless Guy walks up elbow-to-elbow with Student)
  • Homeless Guy: Yo, I'm walkin' with y'all, man.
  • Student: What? Who are you? What the fuck?
  • Homeless Guy: Shhhhhh. I'm walkin' witchu.

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i'm sure someone could find you a pencil sharpener

5 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

  • (Outside Starbucks, trying to register voters)
  • Registration guy: The next time somebody walks past us, I'm going to stick a pencil up their ass.

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she pays for med school the old-fashioned way

87 [+ / -]     Sep 20, 2008

  • Drunk Guy: You can't party like me.
  • Drunk Girl: Oh, yes I can.
  • Drunk Guy: Bet you 100 dollars you don't last 'til midnight.
  • Drunk Girl: Alright, 100 dollars. Easiest money I ever made. Besides that lap dance earlier.

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welcome to athens, home of the disgruntled food-service employee

105 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2008

  • Girl: Hey I know you... you clean dishes, right?
  • Dishwasher: Yeah.
  • Girl: (very impressed with herself) Ha! I knew it. You were cleaning dishes when I was here last night.
  • Dishwasher: Yeah... It's called a job. You should try it sometime.

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drinking too much had nothing to do with it

9 [+ / -]     Sep 02, 2008

  • (Leaving downtown after the GA Southern game, a guy is getting arrested)
  • Drunk Girl: Oh, I feel sorry for him!
  • Drunk Guy: Fuck that, he's a Southern fan!
  • Drunk Girl: Ha ha, that's what you get when you play the Dawgs!

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love unto others as you would love unto yourself

66 [+ / -]     Aug 27, 2008

  • Drunk guy 1: Yeah, I don't know if it's gonna work out. But I do really care about her.
  • Drunk guy 2: I have no doubt that you love her as much as she loves you. But I doubt that she loves you as much as you love you.
  • Drunk guy 1: Damn, that's deep.

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he's now wishing he hadn't played that game of never have i ever

-37 [+ / -]     Jul 13, 2008

  • Girl: Well, she lost her virginity at, like, 23.
  • Guy: Damn, she beat me!
  • Girl: Yeah, but you lost your virginity to a guy.
  • Guy: What?!

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who also happens to be a smartass

80 [+ / -]     Jul 03, 2008

  • Guy 1: I have to be inside before sunrise.
  • Guy 2: Why? You a reverse vampire?
  • Guy 1: No. Regular kind.

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if they touch, they might both disappear

54 [+ / -]     May 11, 2008

  • Sorostitute: So she was just like, "Hey, I'm just gonna warn you. I know you're a Republican and that guy is gay... so be careful."

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unless it's a leap year

52 [+ / -]     May 06, 2008

  • Guy: Is Cinco de Mayo always on the fifth?

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you'd think she'd have learned to carry her own

102 [+ / -]     Apr 28, 2008

  • Business Woman: I'll have a Venti Carmel Macchiato with a shot of Kahlua.
  • Barista: Ma'am, we don't have Kahlua.
  • Business Woman: Ok, make it a shot of Bailiey's.
  • Barista: We don't have Bailey's. We don't serve alcohol.
  • Business Woman: Really? Oh. Well, do you know anywhere that does?
  • Barista: Not anywhere that's open at 9 in the morning.

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good, now that we're agreed...

90 [+ / -]     Apr 26, 2008

  • Girl On Cell: What!? I haven't heard from you in two weeks and you call to tell me you want me to have your babies!?
  • (pause)
  • Girl On Cell: No, no, no. Fuck that and fuck you!
  • Guy: (yelling audibly through the phone) That's what I'm asking you to do!

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isn't there a country song about this?

94 [+ / -]     Apr 18, 2008

  • (Waiting in line to get in the club)
  • Sorostitute 1: I love low rise jeans, like when I dance, all the guys see my thong. It's like a magnet.
  • Sorostitute 2: Um yeah, I've noticed. Pull your shirt over, you can see your bra strap.
  • Sorostitute 1: Oh my god! I knew I shouldn't have worn this shirt. Like, showing your bra is the tackiest thing. Let's go, I need to change.

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talk about drinking responsibly

43 [+ / -]     Apr 14, 2008

  • UPS Guy: I thought you were supposed to finish this shit last Friday!
  • Painter Guy: I was, but I started drinking at eleven thirty and it's never good to come into work drunk.

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despite the math error, a charming effort

208 [+ / -]     Apr 05, 2008

  • Homeless Guy: Look at these fine looking ladies, do you know how much I'd pay for you? $500 for you, $500 for you, $500 for you, and $500 for you. That's $3000 worth of beautiful ladies! I have a daughter that's 18, y'all are all over 18 right? You need a man! I tell my daughter not to ever bring home a boy like this one over here. You need a fine older man to pay your way through college.
  • (He opens up his wallet to show them four dollars)
  • Homeless Guy: I can be that man.

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not those kind of wigs

16 [+ / -]     Apr 03, 2008

  • Drunk Girl 1: I didn't know they had a wig shop downtown. Lets go try some on tomorrow.
  • Drunk Girl 2: No, they don't let you try on wigs there.
  • Drunk Girl 1: Oh, why not?
  • Drunk Girl 2: You know, crabs and stuff.

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it's so hard to get bum juice out of the grill

-66 [+ / -]     Apr 01, 2008

  • (Fratty almost hits bum on a bike downtown when turning, then rolls down his window)
  • Fratty: Watch where your going! You could have put a dent in my car you bastard.

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let she who is without ugly cast the first stone

24 [+ / -]     Mar 30, 2008

  • Girl on Cell: So I was walking downtown and there was a group of high school kids visiting. This one girl's face was so fuckin' ugly. Like, it was fugly. Like, you would look at her and go, "Is that your face?" Like, it was disgusting. Like, God himself would be ashamed of her ugly. I can't even believe that they let that kind of ugly walk down the street. But yeah, I'll be at church tomorrow, Granpa. Love ya!

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my babysitter is awesome, though

182 [+ / -]     Mar 17, 2008

  • Fratty 1: I was out in Atlanta this past weekend, and all the guys there were sporting blazers. I really need to get one of those.
  • Fratty 2: Yeah, I want to get one of those blazers too. But I mean, I can't really get one yet, you know? I'm not mature enough right now, like, I still puke on myself sometimes.

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and the exchange rate sucks

77 [+ / -]     Mar 14, 2008

  • Asian Chick: (shivering) I forget how fucking cold it is in America!
  • Girl: Really? Where are you from?
  • Asian Chick: Texas.

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with logic like that, who needs a prenup?

128 [+ / -]     Mar 13, 2008

  • (In a bar downtown)
  • Girl 1: Oh my God, where is your engagement ring?!
  • Girl 2: I never wear it downtown
  • Girl 1: Why not?
  • Girl 2: How can I expect to go home with a guy if he can see I'm taken?

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her official charge was "too stupid to survive in the wild"

237 [+ / -]     Feb 20, 2008

  • (Drunk Girl is getting arrested in front of her friends)
  • Drunk Girl: (turns to her friend) Mel, I have some cocaine in my purse... get rid of it. Don't tell the cops, though.
  • (Cop walks over and picks up the girl's purse)

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they teach great negotiation skills in the business school

52 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2008

  • Guy in car: I'll give you 10 bucks if you show me your boobs!
  • Girl: $100 and you've got a deal!

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sounds like it's never stopped her in the past

9 [+ / -]     Feb 17, 2008

  • Girl 1: You know that I totally love you and would never cock block you right?
  • Girl 2: Yeah. What?
  • Girl 1: That guy you wanna fuck is a total STD farm. I'm surprised he still has a dick.
  • Girl 1: So your point is?

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being stupid isn't just for drunks anymore

2 [+ / -]     Feb 12, 2008

  • Drunk girl: Didn't you owe me five dollars?
  • Sober girl 1: I don't even know you.
  • Drunk girl: Oh, you have a nice night.
  • (Drunk girl stumbles away)
  • Sober girl 1: Works every time.
  • Sober girl 2: What? You just cheated a drunk girl.
  • Sober girl 1: Oh. Oh, I was totally kidding. Chill. I don't know her.

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sometimes an emoticon is just an emoticon

261 [+ / -]     Feb 09, 2008

  • (After sending a text message)
  • Drunk girl: Shit, I totally didn't mean to send that!
  • Sober girl: Send what?
  • Drunk girl: Well, I told him I would see him later and I put the the winky face instead of the smiley face! Now he thinks I totally wanna do him! Damn you, winky face!

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she's clearly no stranger to handcuffs

86 [+ / -]     Jan 21, 2008

  • (Cop handcuffs sorostitute downtown. Prisoner Transport bus arrives)
  • Sorostitute: Wait, wait. Where are we going?

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no, but several priests have

-33 [+ / -]     Jan 21, 2008

  • Jesus freak: Has Jesus revealed himself to you tonight, ladies?
  • Girl 1: Hell yes!
  • Girl 2: Christ... that was funny.

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and don't forget her lunch money

149 [+ / -]     Jan 20, 2008

  • Drunk sorostitute: (while getting arrested) Can you remember to drop me off at Peabody tomorrow? Cuz I have a quiz and I can't be late!
  • Cop: Yeah, I'll do just that, and I'll give you a pen and pencil, too.

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college is about learning to start simple

178 [+ / -]     Jan 16, 2008

  • Jesus freak lady: What about you? Do you know where your heart is tonight?
  • Girl: I don't even know where my keys are.

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of course her inner guy thinks he has a 10 foot pole

-26 [+ / -]     Jan 05, 2008

  • Girl 1: Some people think I'm too harsh when I say, "Damn that girl's ugly." Or a simple, "She's not pretty." So how could I substitute what I'm saying for something not as mean?
  • Girl 2: Well, I always say, "If I were a guy, I wouldn't do her." That way, you're not as mean because you're not flat out saying the girl's ugly. You're just saying if you were a guy you wouldn't want to touch her with a 10 foot pole, let alone sleep with her.

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it's in the fine print on the back of daddy's credit card

67 [+ / -]     Dec 27, 2007

  • Fratty dad: Because we've been audited, the IRS sent us a certified letter saying basically they want all our money... and you since you're our first born.
  • Sorostitute daughter: They actually do that?

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is this what they mean by "man love?"

208 [+ / -]     Dec 19, 2007

  • Hungover guy: Man, I got so fucked up last night. The last thing I remember was walking into the bathroom. And then this morning I woke up to the sound of someone yelling "who the fuck are you?" So, naturally, I responded with, "well, who the fuck are you!?" And then I looked around and said, "Wait... yeah, I might be in the wrong place." And the guy goes, "Wait, no, I think I might be in the wrong place."

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because she's not getting poked enough already

85 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2007

  • (Sorostitute sees her boyfriend with another girl at a bar)
  • Sorostitute: Who's that slut? I'm going to kill her! Actually I'll probably just Facebook friend her.

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"...until then, i'm just buying some extra thick curtains"

29 [+ / -]     Dec 09, 2007

  • Fratty 1: I only like when it's dark and we're fooling around.
  • Fratty 2: Why are you still hanging out with her?
  • Fratty 1: She bought me concert tickets, I have to hang around 'til then.

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it's hard being colorblind

59 [+ / -]     Dec 08, 2007

  • Guy: Are you sober?
  • Girl: Yeah, I am now, I wasn't an hour ago.
  • Guy: That was a red light you just went through.
  • Girl: Oh, was it? I didn't even see it.

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"...the handcuffs? oh, they're just a party favor"

218 [+ / -]     Dec 05, 2007

  • Cop: Do you know who the President of the United States is?
  • Drunk guy: Mr. January.
  • Cop: Ok, you need to come with me.
  • Drunk guy: So is the next round on you?
  • Cop: Yeah... just step into this mobile bar. It's all the rage in Europe.

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may as well be, considering what it'll do to your stomach

89 [+ / -]     Dec 04, 2007

  • Blonde: Where are ya'll going to eat for lunch?
  • Girl: Little Italy.
  • Blonde: What's that? Like mexican?

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because all guys like a challenge

41 [+ / -]     Dec 01, 2007

  • Sorostitute 1: I would totally let him have sex with me.
  • Sorostitute 2: Let him? More like, make him!

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yeah, that'll show him

52 [+ / -]     Nov 29, 2007

  • Sorostitute: Snow blowing? What's that?
  • Fratty: It's where the girl holds the guy's stuff in her mouth and then spits it in his mouth after.
  • Sorostitute: That's gross! I am totally going to do that to a guy I don't like.
  • Fratty: You know that would mean you would have to go down on a guy you don't like, right?
  • Sorostitute: Ohhhhh...

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thats more original than pretending to read the articles

83 [+ / -]     Nov 26, 2007

  • Girl: (buying a Playboy) We're just buying this to support Kim Kardashian.
  • Cashier guy: I'll be sure to pass that on.

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i'm sure we could find someone to help you out

83 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2007

  • Girl: Is it bad if I really just want to skip bars and downtown and go straight to having sex?

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"...i can do this all night, fellas"

133 [+ / -]     Nov 11, 2007

  • Drunk sorostitute: (goes up to random guy in bar and starts making out with his neck) What fraternity are you in?
  • Guy: Im not in a fraternity.
  • (She turns to the guy sitting next to him, starts making out with his neck)
  • Drunk sorostitute: What fraternity are you in?

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well, that saves him the work

78 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2007

  • Sorostitute 1: Can I have a sip of your drink?
  • Sorostitute 2: Yeah.
  • (Sorostitute 1 takes a sip)
  • Sorostitute 2: Haha! I rufied it!
  • Drunk fratty: You rufied your own drink?

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accent is right next to race in the genome

-3 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2007

  • Guy: Dude, did you know they have black people in England?
  • Sorostitute: No way! How do they talk?

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a few more drinks and it might not matter

105 [+ / -]     Oct 28, 2007

  • Drunk fratty 1: Dude check out that girls ass, I bet she's a good lay.
  • Drunk fratty 2: Damn dude, we should go hit on her.
  • Sorostitute: Um... that's a drag queen.

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it's clearly not an exact science

-40 [+ / -]     Oct 26, 2007

  • Drunk guy on cell: I think I just peed on myself. I'm not gonna know until I get home and smell it, but I whipped my dick out and I think it sprayed the wrong way.

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that might be a sign you're doing it wrong

95 [+ / -]     Oct 22, 2007

  • Drunk fratty: Dude, if women were supposed to enjoy sex, they'd stay conscious the whole way through.

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just think... she'll eventually breed

160 [+ / -]     Oct 20, 2007

  • Bouncer: I'm sorry your I.D. is expired, I can't let you in.
  • Drunk girl: Whatever, this I.D. works everywhere, I've used it for the last two years.
  • Bouncer: Okay, but it's expired, it's against the law. And I don't even think that's you in the picture.
  • Drunk girl: What?! What?! That's bullshit! I got this I.D. after I graduated high school, it can't be expired. It's two years old. And it is me, look here's my real I.D.

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all this dating talk is making me hungry

35 [+ / -]     Oct 10, 2007

  • Girl 1: Why is he interested in her?
  • Girl 2: It's because she is something new. You aren't new anymore. It's like eating hamburgers all the time, and then he gets sick of them and discovers the hot dog. Then he gets sick of the hot dog and moves onto the calzone.

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#2   now that's grace under pressure

1461 [+ / -]     Oct 08, 2007

  • Drunk sorostitute: (as she's being handcuffed and escorted to the paddywagon) Shotgun!

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yeah, and which one was she again?

187 [+ / -]     Oct 01, 2007

  • (Sorostitute walks up to bouncer)
  • Bouncer: I'm sorry, I can't take this ID.
  • Sorostitute: what the hell? You just let another girl in with this ID!

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you'll be paying for that beer when you're forty

38 [+ / -]     Sep 19, 2007

  • Guy 1: Do you have a student loan?
  • Guy 2: I have to take out another one. I just went downtown every night at the beginning of the semester. We have been in school, what, 3 weeks?
  • Guy 1: And you have spent it all on booze... fun times.

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and 22 is my nick-age

105 [+ / -]     Sep 10, 2007

  • (Sorostitute is trying to get into bar)
  • Drunk fratty: Hey Lisa!
  • Bouncer: Um, It says on your ID your name is Ellen.
  • Sorostitute: Um, yeah! Lisa is my nickname!

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yeah, a shower'll fix that

-12 [+ / -]     Sep 07, 2007

  • Drunk ghetto girl: Yo, me an' my girl here are lookin' to have a threesome - you want in?
  • Guy: (not interested) Sure, but you should know I have syphilis.
  • Drunk ghetto girl: How 'bout your friend? He looks clean.

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now if she could only get someone to sleep with her

77 [+ / -]     Sep 05, 2007

  • Sorostitute: Hey guys, I have good news!
  • Guy: What?
  • Sorostitute: I'm not allergic to latex anymore. Isn't that amazing?

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i'll have what he's having

69 [+ / -]     Aug 21, 2007

  • Female bartender: What can I get for you?
  • Guy: I don't really know what i want.
  • Female bartender: How about some vodka and sex?
  • Guy: Uh... OK.

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darwin works his magic

0 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2007

  • Guy: (in a pickup, turning left on red at high speed) I don't give a shit about a red light! I don't give a shit about a red light!

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that sounds fun... kinda

-40 [+ / -]     Aug 08, 2007

  • Girl: Aww baby, I love you so hard.

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so that's a no?

45 [+ / -]     Jul 14, 2007

  • (Blonde girl is walking down the stairs, guy is walking up the stairs, smiling at her. They meet in the middle and she turns to him)
  • Blond girl: Ew, you need a mint.
  • (Blond girl keeps walking as guy flicks her off)

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don't be a victim, be a volunteer

29 [+ / -]     Jun 22, 2007

  • Girl: Well, I just think of it as "surprise sex" instead of rape. Then you don't feel so bad about it, you know?

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honesty is hard to come by these days

41 [+ / -]     Jun 12, 2007

  • Shirtless bum: Spare some change for beer?

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...a dumbass

161 [+ / -]     Jun 11, 2007

  • Girl: How old do you have to be to get in here?
  • Bouncer: 21.
  • (Girl pulls out purse, looks at fake ID)
  • Girl: So, if I was born in 1985, that would make me...

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#17   at least she's legal for something...

714 [+ / -]     Jun 06, 2007

  • Sorostitute: (Screaming, dancing on top of a table in a bar downtown) Today's my birthday! Today I'm 19! Woooo!
  • Bouncer: You've got to be kidding...
  • (Sorostitute is promptly thrown out)

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we've left behind those outmoded notions of loyalty, fidelity, and commitment

66 [+ / -]     May 29, 2007

  • Sorostitute: You have a girlfriend?
  • Fratty: Yeah...
  • Sorostitute: Well, it's not like that really matters.
  • (They leave together)

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let's be honest... they would have done it for free

11 [+ / -]     May 28, 2007

  • Fratty: (to two sorostitutes) I'll pay you two a dollar to make out for 30 seconds.
  • (Sorostitutes proceed to play tonsil hockey)

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parlez-vous dumbass?

78 [+ / -]     May 16, 2007

  • Sorostitute: You guys are really studying abroad in Italy this summer?
  • Fratty: Yeah... it's gonna be awesome.
  • Sorostitute: Yeah, but none of you know how to speak French.

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this water fountain for fratties only

71 [+ / -]     May 05, 2007

  • Sorostitute: Hey, go to Boar's Head with us.
  • Normal guy: Ehh.
  • Sorostitute: Come on, you look fratty enough!

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#14   it isn't blowing it if it comes from your daddy

730 [+ / -]     May 04, 2007

  • Girl 1: (after Girl 2 gives some money to a homeless guy) Why'd you do that? You know he's just gonna blow it on booze.
  • Girl 2: And we weren't?

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identity crises are common in college

79 [+ / -]     May 04, 2007

  • Bouncer: How old are you?
  • Drunk fratty: I think I'm 21...

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turns out you can rape the willing

-66 [+ / -]     Apr 30, 2007

  • Drunk girl 1: I was so drunk the other night, I totally almost went home with this guy, and I don't even remember it. My boyfriend would have been totally pissed.
  • Drunk girl 2: Naw, I bet he would forgive you if you got date raped.

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incidently, that's the gay fraternity

103 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2007

  • Girl 1: Hey...I went on a date with that guy freshman year. He was a jack ass.
  • Girl 2: Wait... is he an ATO?
  • Girl 3: No... he's an F-A-G.

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he'll be a great leader one day

-36 [+ / -]     Mar 12, 2007

  • Drunk fratty: Have you ever thought of the irony of a prostitute being raped? Is that like theft?

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you know you didn't give him all of it

99 [+ / -]     Feb 21, 2007

  • Homeless guy: Hey man, can you spare some change?
  • Fratty: I already gave you some!
  • Homeless guy: (mumbling) Lyin-ass mothafucka...

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watch what you put in your mouth

-47 [+ / -]     Feb 17, 2007

  • Guy 1: Hey, did you hear Anna Nicole died?
  • Guy 2: No way! What from?
  • Guy 1: I think she ate some old nuts.

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fact: dead people are even funnier when they're famous

69 [+ / -]     Feb 13, 2007

  • Indie guy: They're not burying Anna Nicole Smith's body for a week for DNA paternity testing, right?
  • Indie girl: I thought they were just still trying to figure out the half-life of TrimSpa before they put her in the ground.

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more like "you must be this high to enter"

-57 [+ / -]     Feb 12, 2007

  • Bartender: Can we put up a sign that says "Patchouli not allowed?" Perpetual Groove is playing tonight.

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"... well i'm ready to learn something"

200 [+ / -]     Feb 07, 2007

  • Drunk guy: Hey there, beautiful.
  • Woman: Alan, I'm your professor.
  • Drunk guy: No way... really?

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i

182 [+ / -]     Feb 05, 2007

  • (Cab ride home)
  • Sorostitute 1: Hey where are you guys going?
  • Girl: Towneclub.
  • Sorostitute 1: Oh my God! That's where I lost my virginity!
  • Girl: Uhhh...
  • Sorostitute 1: Ohmigod, I sound like such a whore!
  • Sorostitute 2: Well, I mean, at least you waited 'til college.
  • Sorostitute 1: I'm... from Athens.

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i hate it when girls talk about that

215 [+ / -]     Jan 30, 2007

  • Guy 1: Damnit, that girl was talking to everybody but fuckin' me!
  • Guy 2: Hey man, I know you're in a bad mood right now, but you totally just yelled out "butt fuckin' me."

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or, the smelliest one night stand ever

105 [+ / -]     Jan 02, 2007

  • Drunk sorostitute: You know you could totally take advantage of me tonight.
  • Drunk fratty: I could?
  • Drunk sorostitute: Yes, you could.
  • (She then kneels on the ground and starts to puke)
  • Drunk fratty: Not anymore.

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in a way, she's somewhat pro life

88 [+ / -]     Dec 21, 2006

  • Girl 1: If I was pregnant, I would just die.
  • Girl 2: If I was pregnant, something would be dying, but it wouldn't be me.

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we always hurt the ones we love

86 [+ / -]     Dec 14, 2006

  • (After a one-night stand)
  • Sorostitute: You're an oversexed, arrogant, selfish asshole!
  • Guy: Hey! I'm not selfish!

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drunk guy's thoughts: if only

-241 [+ / -]     Nov 20, 2006

  • Guy: Where are we parked?
  • Drunk girl: On your penis!

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he's got the right idea

110 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2006

  • Homeless guy: Hey, can you girls spare a little change?
  • Girl: Sorry, we don't have any cash, just credit cards.
  • Homeless guy: They take those at the liquor store!

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mother of the year award candidate

-22 [+ / -]     Oct 25, 2006

  • Mom: You see? That's why you don't have a boyfriend.
  • Sorostitute daughter: God, mom!

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i'll be a monkey's uncle

-243 [+ / -]     Oct 11, 2006

  • Dude: My theory is that AIDS started when someone had sex with a monkey... and I'm sticking to it.

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hippie funk

33 [+ / -]     Sep 21, 2006

  • (Hippie 1 extends his arm for a handshake)
  • Hippie 2: I only give bows or hugs man, bows or hugs.

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charity is a double edged sword

-27 [+ / -]     Sep 19, 2006

  • Lady bum: Care to help?
  • Girl: No, I don't have any change.
  • Man bum: Can I have some money?
  • Lady bum: No, not after what you did to me!

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The JAPs know where the fashion's at

-10 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2006

  • Girl 1: So I got this really cool birthday tiara from Party City to wear tonight.Girl 2: A tiara? Isn't that what jewish people wear?

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i'd rather be homeless

105 [+ / -]     Sep 11, 2006

  • Bum: Do you have any spare change?Girl: Ummm.... I overdrew my checking account today. At least you are at zero, I have negative dollars.

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it's the little things that matter

96 [+ / -]     Sep 04, 2006

  • Girl: Oh! You know my friend! She's told me about you.
  • Drunk fratty: Oh, yeah, she probably told you I have a small penis. I'm working on that; I got a pump.

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the world is, after all, organized around coupons

7 [+ / -]     Aug 28, 2006

  • (An older woman is walking with her daughter)Mom: I could have sworn that the shop was right here.Daughter: Well, I guess that it closed.Mom: I dont think so. I had a coupon for it.

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democracy in action

-2 [+ / -]     Jul 27, 2006

  • Guy 1: We're going to have so much fun tonight that someone might get the clap.
  • Girl: Well I have a boyfriend, so it won't be me.
  • Guy 2: (Looks at Guy 1) Paper, Rock, Scissors?

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maybe at an equestrian event

52 [+ / -]     Jul 15, 2006

  • Old fratty: Yea, he thinks he has a trophy wife.Old sorostitute: He has an honorable mention ribbon, at best.

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either way, it didn't help their penalty kick skills

20 [+ / -]     Jul 10, 2006

  • Girl: France only beat Brazil because they recruited a bunch of Brazilians!
  • Guy 1: No, no... the French team is all French.
  • Guy 2: But no, they have a black guy!

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which came first, the chicken or the coathanger?

71 [+ / -]     Jul 06, 2006

  • Bob (SALON) guy: You know, I think it would be better if humans reproduced like chickens. That way if you didn't want a baby, it wouldn't be an abortion, it would be an omelet.

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plus it's easier to get the dead ones to put out

-3 [+ / -]     Jun 30, 2006

  • Girl 1: I hear she works at the hospital with like dead people.
  • Girl 2: I hear it pays well and I mean you don't have people bitching at you all the time. So, I'd do it. I'd rather work with dead people that regular people.

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he's the one with the new balances and the northface jacket

44 [+ / -]     Jun 29, 2006

  • Girl: Where do you go to school?Guy: Berry... but my friend Ben goes here! Do you know Ben?

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it's dual use technology, like rocket guidance systems

91 [+ / -]     Jun 28, 2006

  • Drunk girl: Wait... are these the beads that go on my necklace or up my ass?

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isn't that the point?

80 [+ / -]     May 01, 2006

  • Drunk sorority girl to confused frat guy: Your dick was inside of me and you can't even remember my name?!

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'scuse me while i whip this out

-5 [+ / -]     Apr 15, 2006

  • Random guy: (putting his hand in his pants) Okay, let me just pull out my credentials.

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she has a dim view of her boyfriend

-26 [+ / -]     Apr 12, 2006

  • Sorostitute: I don't eat parasites, they eat me.

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or date rape and jail time

-20 [+ / -]     Apr 07, 2006

  • Sketchy guy 1: Girls and alcohol go together hand in hand.
    Sketchy guy 2: Yeah, they're like peanut butter and jelly.

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will bad sushi make r, s and t?

-180 [+ / -]     Apr 03, 2006

  • Girl 1: Excuse me, but girls do not pee.
    Girl 2: Girls don't pee. They Q.

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what kind of nursery school did he go to?

19 [+ / -]     Mar 30, 2006

  • Surprised guy: You nap naked?
    Girl: Yeah. Its not a nap unless its naked.
    Surprised guy: Well, I only sleep naked when I'm feeling frisky!

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we didn't know you could blow a .10 on the SAT

56 [+ / -]     Mar 29, 2006

  • (A boy is being arrested while his girlfriend is crying about it)
  • Girlfriend: I can't believe you're arresting him!
    Cop: He's underage and he's drunk, miss.
    Girlfriend: Yeah, but he's brilliant! He did awesome on his S.A.T.'s.

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just don't tell him about the pool of vomit it fell in

21 [+ / -]     Mar 26, 2006

  • (Picking a hotdog off the pavement)
  • Girl: Do you think he'll notice?
    Guy: No, just put some mustard on it. He'll still give us a ride.

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yeah, my mother... no wait, she was drunk

-4 [+ / -]     Mar 22, 2006

  • Girl: Well, maybe it's funny to people who are like that all the time.
    Guy: What? Drunk?
    Girl: No, you can be obscene and vulgar and not drunk at the same time.

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i'll bring the chips and salsa

-12 [+ / -]     Mar 09, 2006

  • Guy 1: Dude, are you really going home with her? I hear she has herpes.
    Guy 2: Yeah, but don't worry about it. I'll do it so it will be one big herpes party in my pants.

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blame that friggin british lizard

3 [+ / -]     Mar 08, 2006

  • Drunk Guy: You want me to drive?
    Drunk Girl: Nah, I can drive.
    Drunk Guy: Well I just switched the insurance to liability.
    Drunk Girl: ...Oh. We're fucked.

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"both. why?"

14 [+ / -]     Mar 06, 2006

  • Girl: Ok, I have to ask you a serious question...
    Guy: Yeah, what's up?
    Girl: Have you been using illegal substances in excess since you've been in college, or do you always have conversations with yourself and try to explain them to other people?

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es un poco ironico

-20 [+ / -]     Mar 01, 2006

  • Guy: You don't give money for sex in Athens. You give Yo La Tengo albums.

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"...and then we went surfing"

26 [+ / -]     Feb 23, 2006

  • Girl: What does spume mean?
    Guy: (looks in dictionary) Froth or foam, especially that found on waves.
    Girl: I like that word.
    Guy: I spumed your mom last night.

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he's never seen last tango in paris

-25 [+ / -]     Feb 19, 2006

  • Guy: I don't need no butter.

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milk: mom i'd like to kill

34 [+ / -]     Feb 16, 2006