Brand New:
Overseen in Athens


For years you've been watching your tongue so that what you say doesn't end up here. Now, you'll have to watch how you look. You never know who has a camera.

Here's the link
 

Quotes submitted by "Anonymous"

the goal is to make your bac match your gpa

6 [+ / -]     Jul 26, 2010

  • Drunk Guy: (speaking to incoming freshman): Honors chemistry, ooooh. Fuck your GPA, it's all about drinking!
  • Girl: That's probably the best advice you'll ever get for college.

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i guess she plans on living a very long time

10 [+ / -]     Jul 16, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: What is the one thing you want to do before you die?
  • Sorostitute 2: Um... I think I want to visit all 53 states.
  • Sorostitute 1: Oh my god, me too!

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i think i picked the wrong career

24 [+ / -]     Jul 14, 2010

  • (Speaking suggestively)
  • Guy: I miss you, kid. Can we gerrymander tonight?
  • Girl: I thought you only gerrymandered alone.
  • Guy: No, it's time.
  • Girl: We can gerrymander if you want to gerrymander, but I could use a long filibuster first.
  • Guy: Okay, baby, okay. We'll filibuster.
  • Girl: I need your caucus, like, now.

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his logic is fabulous

7 [+ / -]     Jul 13, 2010

  • Guy 1: Sex and the City is not gay.
  • Guy 2: Dude, Sex and the City is so gay, it's like Barbra Streisand-singing-Rocky-Horror-drinking-a-frappuccino-talking-about-Adam-Lambert gay.
  • Guy 1: Well, my mom made me see it.
  • Guy 2: Well, your mom is probably gay.

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she's one strange analogy short of a weird phone conversation

9 [+ / -]     Jun 28, 2010

  • Guy on Cell: Hey, mom. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, she's just one big pancake batter bitch! Yeah, seriously, I know. Like, three elephants short of a circus. Mmhmm. One cinnamon stick short of Quaker Oats. Yeah, I'm so glad you got out of that. Total asshat.

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it might be good to start training them young, though

30 [+ / -]     Jun 02, 2010

  • Woman: Oh shit! We need to find money for groceries!
  • Man: What?
  • Woman: I mean, we can survive on liquor, but the kids can't.

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so, the poultry science students are out

41 [+ / -]     May 25, 2010

  • Girl: Is it so hard to find a guy in Athens that is nice, smart, cute, and doesn't like cock as much as I do?

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it's not what you got, it's what you give

8 [+ / -]     May 18, 2010

  • Fratty 1: Whenever I get it I usually don't even know the person I get it from.
  • Fratty 2: When you say "person" do you mean guys or girls?
  • Fratty 1: Both.

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and i have hipbones, therefore i am a snake

34 [+ / -]     May 17, 2010

  • Professor: Tell me what's wrong with this argument. "All vertebrates have hipbones. Snakes are vertebrates. Therefore, snakes have hipbones."
  • Freshmen Girl: Snakes aren't vertebrates, everyone knows that!
  • Professor: Are you sure about that, cupcake? What are they then, aliens?

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police are on the lookout for a bunch of drunk sorority girls

-18 [+ / -]     May 17, 2010

  • Sorostitute: Yeah, we robbed a liquor store last weekend. It was awesome.
  • Fratty: That's badass.

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think locally, act locally

5 [+ / -]     May 08, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: What happened?
  • Sorostitute 2: An oil ship crashed in the Gulf of Florida.
  • Sorostitute 1: Does that mean there's going to be like, another oil crisis?
  • Sorostitute 2: I don't know. But we can't go swimming on the beach.
  • Sorostitute 1: What? Why?
  • Sorostitute 2: Cause there's like, oil in the water and they aren't letting anyone swim.

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eat fresh, wipe clean

27 [+ / -]     May 07, 2010

  • Customer: Can I have some napkins? I spilled some soup.
  • Employee: Don't worry about it, I'll wipe it up.
  • Customer: Well, can I still have some napkins?

    Employee: Sure.
  • Customer: Thanks, I have to take a dump when I get home and I don't have any toilet paper.

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spreading the love

24 [+ / -]     May 05, 2010

  • Sorostitute 1: Ohmigod! I had the best sex ever last night! The guy's penis had pleasure bumps!
  • Sorostitute 2: Do you mean he wore a ribbed condom?
  • Sorostitute 1: No it was all him.
  • Sorostitute 2: You have to introduce me to him!

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sex ed for history majors

39 [+ / -]     May 04, 2010

  • Professor: Remember, you have two hours to complete the essay portion of the exam. Like sex, you will not receive extra credit for finishing early.
  • (class laughs)
  • Professor: That is the only way sex relates to this exam.

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the devil wears ugg boots

11 [+ / -]     Apr 26, 2010

  • Drunk Girl 1: I think my boyfriend just dumped me. I can't be sure, but I think so.
  • Drunk Girl 2: For what?
  • Drunk Girl 1: For trying to get him to renouce God and to fuck me.

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with a name like thad, he should have seen it coming

3 [+ / -]     Apr 22, 2010

  • Runner 1: Dude, if we were in a post-apocalyptic world, how would we break it to him that we all voted and decided to eat him?
  • Runner 2: We'd just be like, "Thad, we're eating your ass!"

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and because you're crying, i'm taking you down to a D

16 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2010

  • Professor: I saw a girl earlier today crying over a C on a test.
  • Student: Was it one of your students?
  • Professor: No, had it been one of mine, I would have smacked her.

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an organ donor in a different sense

20 [+ / -]     Apr 19, 2010

  • Professor: Come on! I'm getting old and my organs are failing. Well, not all of them.

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and so do your feet

40 [+ / -]     Apr 15, 2010

  • Hipster Dude: (at the Tate Center bus stop) Does this bus go to Memorial Hall?
  • Bus Driver: Yes.

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at least if you drown you know you aren't a witch

7 [+ / -]     Apr 14, 2010

  • Irish Guy 1: I don't think a fella should be swimmin' after e's eaten. Least not for an hour.
  • Irish Guy 2: No! Es a myth!
  • Irish Guy 1: Twenty minutes then.
  • Irish Guy 2: (to bartender) Whaddayou think?
  • Bartender: Uh, I know you could get a cramp, but it isn't that likely. I'd say it's safe. Maybe it depends how much you eat.
  • Irish Guy 2: Or what you eat.
  • Irish Guy 1: Yeah, I suppose if you eat boulders your shit out of luck.

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don't break out the A1 just yet

9 [+ / -]     Apr 13, 2010

  • Anatomy Professor: This urinary diaphragm is a sling of muscle. It's not a thick sling of muscle. You can't make a steak out of it or anything.

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do i smell a rumble with the math department?

28 [+ / -]     Apr 13, 2010

  • Student: Wow, what do we have to do for our department to get its own building and classrooms?
  • Professor: Oh, you've gotta be really good at knife fighting to do that.

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double the pleasure, double the fun

31 [+ / -]     Apr 12, 2010

  • Guy 1: (ogling two blonde girls wearing the same dress) What are they, twins?
  • Guy 2: No, better... freshmen.

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i always wondered where those numbers came from

34 [+ / -]     Apr 08, 2010

  • Girl: That's just the way it is. A size two can have two drinks. A size eight can have eight drinks.

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that explains those nasty IRS letters

30 [+ / -]     Apr 08, 2010

  • Employee: This office closes on April 15th, but our Alps Road office is open year-round.
  • Customer: Why does this office close on the 15th?
  • Employee: Because that's the tax filing deadline.
  • Customer: There's a deadline?!

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if only being obnoxious could burn calories

13 [+ / -]     Mar 22, 2010

  • Skinny Girl on Cell: Girl, I gained 2 pounds!
  • Skinny Girl on Cell: I don't know how I did it! I mean, I eat healthy and everything.
  • Skinny Girl on Cell: Ohmigod! I know what it is! I ate some fries!
  • Skinny Girl on Cell: Well, not all of them, just like a couple.
  • Skinny Girl on Cell: Yeah, I guess I just don't know what to do anymore.
  • Skinny Girl on Cell: Yeah, I guess I could have more sex.

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guess who's not getting hired by the nsa?

3 [+ / -]     Mar 17, 2010

  • Dude: (looking at the baked goods) How much for the muffins?
  • Dude's friend: Is that code, or are you serious?

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yeah, can i get some lettuce and some kanye?

26 [+ / -]     Mar 09, 2010

  • Guy: So, what do you like in your wrap?
  • Girl: Oh you know a little Akon, a little Young Jeezy.

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however, the subtext is also in french

11 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2010

  • (Talking about a foreign film)
  • Professor: Well, I guess you had to read the subtext.
  • Girl: I read the subtext.
  • Professor: The subtext, not the subtitles.

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my big fat greek lack of a decent education

11 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2010

  • Girl 1: Oh my gosh! Look how pretty her skin is!
  • Girl 2: Yeah! She looks like she's a straight-out-of-Greece Italian.

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forgive me father, for i have sinned

19 [+ / -]     Mar 03, 2010

  • Girl 1: She told me she wanted to save it for marriage.
  • Girl 2: Doesn't she know she can just repent?

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can i take that coin with me downtown this weekend?

63 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Middle-Eastern TA: Coin have two side. So if I flip coin, there is a fifty percent chance that I will get head.

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and they say guys aren't romantic

100 [+ / -]     Feb 18, 2010

  • Girl: My boyfriend didn't even give me flowers for Valentine's Day.
  • Guy: He cooked you a steak. That's how men show love, by giving people meat.

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just don't get off on two

4 [+ / -]     Feb 16, 2010

  • (Guy 1 tells a witty joke)
  • Guy 2: Dude, you're the most interesting person I've ever met in an elevator.
  • Guy 1: And you're the most flattering person I've ever met in an elevator.
  • Guy 2: You gotta work on that, man.
  • Guy 1: Yeah, I will. I'm working my way up from one.

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today expect record highs and a 97% chance of keeping it real

4 [+ / -]     Feb 12, 2010

  • (Talking about the upcoming snow)
  • Guy 1: It's not gonna snow enough Monday to get you out of school.
  • Guy 2: Quit being a negative nancy.
  • Guy 1: Son, I'm not a negative nancy, I'm a damn meteorologist, and I'm keepin' it real!

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which, as a bonus, gave me a great tingling sensation

8 [+ / -]     Feb 08, 2010

  • Fratty 1: You all seriously don't know how gross they were!
  • Fratty 2: That's disgusting.
  • Fratty 1: I mean, I went home and put hand sanitizer on my dick!

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the customer is always right

6 [+ / -]     Feb 08, 2010

  • Employee: What else?
  • Customer 1: Ol' and viniker.
  • Employee: Oil and vinegar?
  • Customer 2: Haha! Oil? It Ol'!

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there's a second time for everything

38 [+ / -]     Feb 04, 2010

  • Guy: Man, that river is going to get just as high as it was the last time it was this high.

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when i think about you i $touch myself

11 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2010

  • Professor: So, can someone tell me what the command prompt 'finger' means in UNIX?
  • (pause, followed by student laughter)
  • Professor: Come on people, not inappropriately. Maturity.

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i want to punch that paper clip almost as much as dwight

28 [+ / -]     Feb 03, 2010

  • Girl: You're a fan of The Office? That's so cool!
  • Confused Professor: You mean Microsoft Office?

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a few small steps for man

-13 [+ / -]     Feb 01, 2010

  • Girl 1: I ran six miles last week.
  • Girl 2: Really? On what?
  • Girl 1: On the elliptical.
  • Girl 2: What level?
  • Girl 1: Well, I was on level one, but did you know they have a level zero?

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either that or a complimentary tramp stamp

22 [+ / -]     Jan 29, 2010

  • Girl 1: So, weird dream last night. Her boyfriend was checking me out, we got really trashed and had sex.
  • Girl 2: That wasn't a dream. Expect a round of applause next time you go to that tattoo parlor.

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is this the male-to-male version of date rape?

14 [+ / -]     Jan 19, 2010

  • Fratty 1: We were so drunk, I'm pretty sure we grabbed each others' dick!
  • Fratty 2: I don't know...
  • Fratty 1: And I'm pretty sure we all had a good time!

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obviously someone has never read the two towers

26 [+ / -]     Jan 16, 2010

  • (In Marine Biology class)
  • Professor: Can anyone name an animal that can't move?
  • Student: A tree!

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26 uga students charged with the munchies: film at 11

31 [+ / -]     Jan 15, 2010

  • Guy 1: I saw a checkpoint outside of Snelling last night at 3am!
  • Guy 2: Isn't that cheating?

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when she lent him a notebook in class he knew he had a shot

-31 [+ / -]     Jan 13, 2010

  • Hungover Guy 1: Hey you guys, last night was crazy.
  • Hungover Guy 2: Dude, why'd you hook up with Hannah last night?
  • Hungover Guy 1: Wait, what? What are you talking about, man?
  • Hungover Guy 2: Yeah dude, you called her your five-star bitch.

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also, wrong wallace

30 [+ / -]     Jan 13, 2010

  • (In US History Post 1865)
  • Professor: Can anyone tell me who George Wallace is?
  • Sorostitute: He's that character from Braveheart!
  • Professor: No, sorry, not in this class.

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what about please? as in "please stop"

52 [+ / -]     Jan 10, 2010

  • Dining Hall Employee: So, you said you wanted guacamole, right?
  • Guy 1: Yes. Thank you.
  • Guy 2: Wow, I love it when people say thank you. Thank you for saying thank you.
  • Guy 1: Well, thank you for thanking me for saying thank you.
  • Guy 2: And thank you for thanking me for thanking you.
  • Guy 1: Thank you.
  • Guy 2: Thank you.

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when christmas isn't enough

10 [+ / -]     Jan 08, 2010

  • Girl: (completely seriously) Oh my god. I need to have a wedding so I can get gifts. I, like, so need a food processor.

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nah, i'll just look for someone who goes to class less

44 [+ / -]     Jan 07, 2010

  • Drunk Asian Guy: What's up ladies... what you got going on tonight?
  • Drunk Sorostitute: Oh My God! You're totally my TA!
  • Drunk Asian Guy: Damn it!
  • Drunk White Guy: Maybe you should stop teaching.

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if it's on the internet, it must be true

28 [+ / -]     Jan 06, 2010

  • Girl: Oh, hey! Happy Birthday! I saw it on Facebook.
  • Guy: Um, my birthday's not for a month.
  • Girl: Are you sure?

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don't forget about all the free condoms

14 [+ / -]     Jan 05, 2010

  • Professor: Apparently, all you guys do is make-out and get wasted all the time because you're college students. Which is why the university puts hand sanitizer everywhere and obsessively cleans.

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broken defroster or lesbian walk of shame?

-24 [+ / -]     Jan 01, 2010

  • (Two girls are getting out of a steamy car and start walking back towards the dorm)
  • Girl 1: Don't you think people will find it intriguing that two girls are coming out of a steamy car?
  • (Girl 2 starts walking away from Girl 1 with her head towards the ground)

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one can dream

22 [+ / -]     Dec 18, 2009

  • Guy 1: There was a guy on Nip/Tuck last night who had such a big dick, he could give himself blowjobs.
  • (pause)
  • Guy 2: Lucky.

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it means we prefer to touch ourselves

26 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2009

  • Professor: We're a very puritanical society. We don't like to be touched by other people. But we watch more porn than the rest of the countries of the world combined, so what does that say about us?

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good to the last line

-8 [+ / -]     Dec 06, 2009

  • (Talking about cocaine)
  • Sorostitute 1: I mean, it's just so much better than coffee in the morning!
  • Sorostitute 2: Yeah! It doesn't make me jittery at all!

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think before you sprechen

99 [+ / -]     Oct 21, 2009

  • Girl: Why would anyone want to major in German? No one speaks that! I mean, who speaks German?
  • Guy: (shouting from across the lecture hall): I do, so fuck you!

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the new sex-ed program is off to a slow start

9 [+ / -]     Oct 18, 2009

  • Professor: So yeah, the continuum is better than saying "There are seven places. Where do you want to stick it?"
  • (Class chuckles)
  • Professor: Okay, um, anyway...

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and some damn paperclip keeps trying to help me pick standard or scientific

30 [+ / -]     Oct 12, 2009

  • Computer Science Professor: I imagine you all have good calculators that can do that with the push of a button. The only calculator I have was one left in a classroom by a student five years ago.
  • Student: You sound bitter about that fact.
  • Computer Science Professor: It ran out of batteries. I have to use the calculator that comes with Windows.

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how about "purell"?

7 [+ / -]     Oct 11, 2009

  • (While doing the Damn Show crossword puzzle)
  • Guy 1: A stripper's investment...hmm.
  • Guy 2: Would that be "vagina"?

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miss popularity

42 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2009

  • Drunk Girl 1: I just never was able to do that opening your throat thing.
  • Drunk Girl 2: You've got to figure it out, it makes everything so much easier!

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your ass is still gigantic, though

22 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2009

  • Sorostitute 1: Can you tell I've lost weight?
  • Sorostitute 2: It's hard to tell in that dress. Oh wait... I can definitely see it in your ribs.

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and then we throw them in volcanoes

127 [+ / -]     Oct 07, 2009

  • Girl: Why are all those sorority girls wearing white dresses?
  • Bus Driver: It's bid day. They have to pretend they're virgins.

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some people just can't recognize a good opportunity

22 [+ / -]     Oct 07, 2009

  • Drunk guy: I just wanna stay in this room.
  • Drunk girl: No, I really wanna fuck... and you are coming with me.

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this is either spy talk or porno talk. not sure which.

-36 [+ / -]     Oct 07, 2009

  • Girl 1: Hey, I have your umbrella.
  • Girl 2: Yeah! you jacked my umbrella.
  • Girl 1: Yeah it was in my bush in front of my apartment. You can get it if you want, its in my back seat.

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those zany academics

24 [+ / -]     Oct 06, 2009

  • Professor: I was at this one party where this guy tried to murder me. That was kinda embarrassing. He thought I owned the house and tried to throw me over a balcony. He apologized by polishing the silver. Anyway...

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i guess i have to bring my watch after all

-15 [+ / -]     Sep 27, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: Who are we playing tomorrow?
  • Drunker Girl: Arizona... Sun Dials.
  • Guy: Sun Dials? That is so dumb. At least we'll know what time it is.
  • (5 minutes later)
  • Drunker Girl: No, they are the Sun Devils!
  • Drunk Girl: Ah, that makes more sense.

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not just for kids anymore

36 [+ / -]     Sep 14, 2009

  • Girl: So I guess I owe you sexual favors now.
  • Guy 1: Your sexual favors aren't worth 20 dollars. They're worth like, maybe a happy meal.
  • Girl: I have nothing else to add to this conversation.
  • Guy 2: Except a happy meal.

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and they know sexy. after all, they did invent the toga.

-1 [+ / -]     Sep 05, 2009

  • Professor: And so the Greeks figured if we combine these two elements, we've got ourselves a pretty sexy column!

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it's easy to do well when your standards are low

15 [+ / -]     Sep 04, 2009

  • (Walking out of a classroom)
  • Guy 1: How did you do on that last quiz?
  • Guy 2: Much better than the first quiz. I got a 40.
  • Guy 1: Yeah, that's not bad.

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someone is giving the freshmen the wrong secret password

55 [+ / -]     Sep 03, 2009

  • (A bus stops at Chemistry)
  • Freshman Girl: Excuse me, where are you going?
  • Bus Driver: Where do you need to go?
  • Freshman Girl: Russell Hall.
  • Bus Driver: Not there.
  • (Driver closes the door in her face)

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a winning philosophy

-50 [+ / -]     Aug 28, 2009

  • (Walking out of philosophy class)
  • Sorostitute: Ohmigod! We are like, Greek, and Aristotle and Plato are like, Greek!
  • Fratty: Haha, yeah they were!
  • Sorostitute: So that means we are like the same! Haha, cool, philosophy makes so much more sense now!
  • Fratty: See, the Greeks always win.

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not too loud... that's like saying "bomb" on an airplane

-47 [+ / -]     Aug 26, 2009

  • (Exiting SLC 102 as everyone is rushing for the door)
  • Guy: If there is ever a fire in here, we are screwed!
  • Girl: But how would a fire get started in here?
  • Guy: An arsonist?

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intelligence should count in there somewhere

63 [+ / -]     Aug 24, 2009

  • Professor: What defines quality of life? Happiness? Health? Money? Lack of acquired disease?
  • Sorostitute: Um, everyone knows that you can't acquire diseases, you are born with them.
  • Professor: Moving on now. Quality of life, anyone?

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what's red and green and all over the lawn?

9 [+ / -]     Aug 21, 2009

  • 40-something Guy: (looking at a Sesame Street poster) I never liked Kermit the Frog. I always had an overwhelming urge to throw him in a wood chipper. There was just somethin' not right about that critter.

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they'll screw you more, too

148 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2009

  • Drunk Guy: Fucking Charter calls me more than my girlfriend.

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maybe the drunk brad is the real brad

67 [+ / -]     Aug 03, 2009

  • Girl: Brad, I just want you to know that I really care about you. It just worries me when you drink like this. It's like you change into another person when you're drunk and I know that's not the real you. I love you. I just want to see you make the right decisions.
  • (silence)
  • Girl: Are you even listening?
  • (Brad starts snoring)

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and that buddha bar is a temple

16 [+ / -]     Jul 27, 2009

  • Girl 1: (to Bartender) We need 8 shots of tequila... it's her birthday!
  • (Girl 2 walks up to the bar)
  • Girl 1: (to Girl 2) I just ordered 8 shots of tequila!
  • (Girl 2 looks horrified)
  • Girl 1: No, it's okay, my mom thinks El Centro is a restaurant!

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so is it chicken or fish?

18 [+ / -]     Jul 22, 2009

  • Girl: This was not what I wanted on my nachos. There are tomatoes on here. What kind of cheese is this?
  • Employee: We can take the tomatoes off, and the cheese is white cheddar.
  • Girl: Don't y'all have any American cheese?
  • Employee: No, I'm sorry, we don't.
  • Girl: (to friend) I can't believe they don't have any American cheese! Why wouldn't they have American cheese?
  • Customer in line: Because this is a Mexican restaurant?

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the downtown neighborhood watch

48 [+ / -]     Jul 07, 2009

  • Girl: (whispering very loudly to her friend) I don't have on any panties, so if you see any cooch, let me know!

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that explains the burning down there

113 [+ / -]     Jun 02, 2009

  • Prostitute: I used to be the toast of the town. I even had a pair of panties I got at K-Mart that said "toast of the town" right on the crotch.

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for when those pimples drive you crazy

-56 [+ / -]     May 26, 2009

  • Nurse: Are you still on the Differin?
  • Patient: No.
  • Nurse: Any new medicine?
  • Patient: Risperdal.
  • Nurse: Is that for acne?
  • Patient: No, it is an anti-psychotic.

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from the set of katherine heigl's new romantic comedy

36 [+ / -]     May 25, 2009

  • Girl 1: I don't know if he thinks it's a real date or not.
  • Girl 2: I'll be able to tell through my binoculars.

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...but here's some consolation beads

219 [+ / -]     May 24, 2009

  • Taxi Driver: It's gonna be six dollars.
  • Sorostitute: (flashes driver) How about now?
  • Taxi Driver: Well, now it's gonna be twelve dollars.
  • Sorostitute: You're so mean.

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tomorrow's lesson is the proper use of the pimp hand

-45 [+ / -]     May 18, 2009

  • Sorostitute: So how's your main squeeze?
  • Boy: My what?
  • Sorostitute: You know, your main bitch.
  • Boy: She's not a bitch.
  • Sorostitute: No, it doesn't mean she's a bitch. Just like, out of all your hoes she's the main one.
  • Boy: ...

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ah, sportsmanship

-45 [+ / -]     May 15, 2009

  • Football player on cell: Yeah man, I gave her herpes.
  • (pause)
  • Football player on cell: Nah, man, I'm not gonna tell her! She doesn't need to worry about that. She needs to be more worried about getting rid of that baby in her stomach.

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it's good to stay one step ahead

94 [+ / -]     May 14, 2009

  • Girl: (after introducing Guy to another girl) So, she's like the sluttiest girl I know.
  • Guy: Yeah, I already know her.

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i wouldn't declare "mission accomplished" just yet

-34 [+ / -]     Apr 29, 2009

  • Guy 1: Dude, you said her name right the first time! It took me like four tries.
  • Guy 2: I'm a stickler for pronunciation. But that's only because I used to mispronunciate all the time.

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i must be going to the wrong parties

161 [+ / -]     Apr 29, 2009

  • Drunk Girl: She was really drunk.
  • Guy: I think you're all really drunk.
  • Drunk Girl: No. I mean she-showed-me-her-pussy drunk.

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if walt disney can do it...

131 [+ / -]     Apr 24, 2009

  • Girl 1: So, did you hear that they found a 40,000 year-old baby mammoth in ice?
  • Girl 2: No way! Was it still alive?
  • Girl 1: Seriously?

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and for my next trick...

-12 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2009

  • TA: So when I turn around, my ass is going be wet.
  • (Class stares for ten seconds)
  • TA: It's not what you think.

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well, we know what she gave up for lent

-69 [+ / -]     Apr 13, 2009

  • Sister: So, I talked to mom. Supposedly everyone is coming for Easter. Kristin is coming and supposedly she just got out of rehab for alcoholism. Can you believe that?
  • Brother: Does that mean we can't drink at Easter?
  • Sister: Well, only a little.

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happy anniversary!

14 [+ / -]     Apr 11, 2009

  • (Wife gently brushes a hair off of her husband's shirt)
  • Husband: (turning to wife) I'd probably be in a lot of trouble if I killed you.

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if you can't beat 'em, mug 'em

287 [+ / -]     Apr 09, 2009

  • (The door opens at the bottom of a classroom in the middle of a lecture)
  • Voice: I'm going to shit on your face, Brittany G!
  • (Professor looks out door then runs out, chasing after the intruder for two minutes and comes back)
  • Student: What happened?
  • Professor: (puts a wallet on the podium) I took his wallet.
  • (Professor continues on with lecture like nothing happened)

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is it cock blocking if he never stood a chance?

118 [+ / -]     Apr 08, 2009

  • (After a drunk guy tries to grab a girl, her friend steps in)
  • Drunk Guy: You're cock blocking!
  • Girl's Friend: You're ugly!

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oh cum all ye faithful

-2 [+ / -]     Apr 06, 2009

  • Professor: What if God made your entire 80 year life like one extended orgasm? Wouldn't that just be awesome? I think it would. Orgasms are awesome.

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there's so much to say...

53 [+ / -]     Apr 04, 2009

  • (In the men's room, Dave Matthews is playing)
  • Fratty: Oh man, Dave Matthews!
  • Guy: Yes, one of the few musicians that can mumble and still make millions. Don't get me wrong, he's good though.
  • Fratty: Yeah, man! I used to beat off to Dave Matthews when I was 14.

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