Quotes Filed Under "One-liners"


which is nothing to joke about

11 [+ / -]     Jul 22, 2008

  • Guy: (dressed like The Joker) My Joker makeup is awesome! Except I had to take off my smile for now because I can't hit the bong with it on.

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isn't the patchouli supposed to fix that?

32 [+ / -]     Jul 21, 2008

  • Hippie Girl: Well he is great... he is attractive, great with words, writes me wonderful poetry, and in tune with nature. I just don't know if all of that is enough to make up for the terrible B.O.

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not anymore

-39 [+ / -]     Jul 11, 2008

  • Bride: (just after a wedding ceremony at Botanical Gardens) I've got more padding in my bra than any person should ever have... and that's Victoria's little secret.

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after which he can finally earn his closet homosexuality merit badge

-43 [+ / -]     Jul 09, 2008

  • (A gaggle of ballcaps is walking by Trappeze)
  • Ballcap: My goal is for, by the end of pledge-ship, that every pledge see my entire cock and balls.

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leave mom out of it

140 [+ / -]     Jul 01, 2008

  • (A young guy is walking down the street holding hands with a much older, not so attractive lady)
  • Bum: Boy, you're had too much to drink!

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the townie version of "one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer"

52 [+ / -]     Jun 30, 2008

  • Drunk guy placing an order: Yeah, can i get a chocolate shake, a PBR and a water?

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so, he's talking shit?

-9 [+ / -]     Jun 28, 2008

  • Irritated Guy: Everything you say comes out of your ass!

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those are not mutually exclusive

18 [+ / -]     Jun 28, 2008

  • Woman: (in dressing room on cell) I think this is too small... well, either my titties are too big or this is too small.

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sex, drugs, and h2o

53 [+ / -]     Jun 26, 2008

  • Freshman Girl: (to her friend) Yeah, I'm thinking about dropping a lot of things, like eating after 12am, chocolate, and basically everything except drinking water and hooking up with random boys. Oh, and except alcohol.

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you're making me horny. you wouldn't like me when i'm horny.

-7 [+ / -]     Jun 22, 2008

  • Guy: Please don't make horny, I might puke.

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four-thirds of people don't understand fractions

-7 [+ / -]     Jun 18, 2008

  • Guy: If you tried to do all that stuff, you'd be up 24/7 like 4 days a week.

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that's just barbicide. common mistake.

-21 [+ / -]     Jun 17, 2008

  • Sorostitute: Holy Fuck! it smells like fucking poverty in here!

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we're guessing that isn't saying much

63 [+ / -]     Jun 16, 2008

  • Sorostitute: I mean, my date was a little too smart for me. He wore glasses.

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separation of church and state be damned

80 [+ / -]     Jun 11, 2008

  • Professor: Here's a picture of Sulfur. For you Southern Baptists, its the brimstone of fire and brimstone. I always try to include some religion in this course.

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and he's grammaring wrong

96 [+ / -]     Jun 03, 2008

  • Drunk Guy: Come on wind chimes. Make some noise. It's winding.

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it just didn't feel right when they were calling them tome stores

-13 [+ / -]     Jun 02, 2008